I Always Remember You.

Loss is something I think people find hard to talk about especially when its a close family member.
Every year on my sisters anniversary I write a little something on facebook about how much I miss her. This year I want to write more so here I am.

This is what happened to her in brief-
Emma passed away 6 years ago on the 12th of November 2008 at 25 years of age. (Wow seeing that writening down is scary, so much time has passed. So much in my life has changed). Emma died from a brain aneurysm. She was on life support for 3 days. When we all said our good byes we donated her organs, her young body helped so many. There was no cause for her death other than a natural tragedy.

Obviously death effects everyone differently. So I am going to share some of the ways it has affected me. Its not all doom and gloom.

I was pregnant with my first child, Jack, when Emma died. It was hard for me because I not only had to stay strong for my family but also for the little baby growing inside me. When Jack was born I saw the world through new eyes. Eyes of a Mom. Being a first time Mom is hard but harder when you are grieving for your sister. At 22 years of age I had experience two new things that year. Life and Death. I truly believe having Jack made me see things differently. Even though Emma never met Jack I no she was watching over us and that made me enjoy my baby, and not fall into a depression.

To me life is a circle. We are born, we live and we die. Some have shorter lives than others. So I feel we should remember that and don't take life for granted. Have fun, do things and explore. That is something I have learned, I dont always remember and I do take life seriously when I need to but I guess what Im trying to say is, just because I lost my sister doesn't mean I have to stop living. And that is what Ive done. Lived.

Yes I miss Emma. I wish she was here to see how my life has turned out, how my family is growing and be a part of it all. But shes not, and that's OK, because if I could changed time and go back I would, but I cant. I am realistic. She may no longer be here with us but I will always have her here with me.

Emma was a very positive person. Something that took me a while to become. We shared a room all the years we lived at home. All I say on that is, if you are a sister and shared a room, well you know what that was like!! Not all roses and sunshine. We did start getting along better as we grew older. I guess when you become an adult you realise that fighting over a bra or a sock or a hair gogo, isn't really worth it in the end. I do wish I had more adult time with Emma, the time where your sister is a friend aswell.
I am lucky though because I did gain a sister-in-law, Ali. She is an only girl so I showed her what its like to have a sister. In other words I steal her clothes, use her make-up and borrow her shoes. Ali is like a sister to me and also my best friend. I love acting like her Big sister. Give advice when she wants it and when she doesn't. I miss being a sister but I'm lucky I have her.

Remembering Emma-
When I think about her now, yes I can get upset but I can also laugh at things she did. Like, she should of never been allowed to dive her hand eye co-ordination was terrible. I'm surprised she never crashed her car.
She loved Christmas. My happiest memories are Christmas with Emma. My favourite memory is probably the last Christmas we had together. We were in bed (sharing a double bed as we both didn't live at home anymore) singing Christmas carols at 1am as loud as we could. my brother was shouting as us to shut up which made us sing louder. We were actually horse from it. At 6 or 7 am, I'm not to sure which all I know was it was early, she woke up excited! She asked do you think Santa came, we are in our 20s, but I would always play along. It made Christmas feel like you were a child again and the magic of Christmas was there. We would wake my brother who would always tell us go away, in not so friendly words, Emma would go first down the stairs, she would sneak into the sitting room, just in case Santa was still there. He never was. Every Christmas morning was exciting and full of joy. I now continue on that same feeling with my children. Knowing that because of Emma I can still love Christmas even though shes not here enjoying it with me.

I think when we remember someone you shouldn't feel like you have to get upset. That thinking about them doesn't always have to bring a tears to your eyes. Yes I have my moments where I just let it all out, tears snots and roars but we need to do that. Just let it go. When I do, I feel so much better. Only a small few have seen me like that. Just because I don't spend my days crying doesn't mean I don't miss Emma. I do. For me life still goes on,and I continue on.

Time really does fly. 6 years have passed. I still think about Emma, not everyday but when I do, I smile at the memories. I would describe it as a sad smile, but still a smile. I love my sister and I miss my sister, but I have a wonderful life filled with love, happiness.